Honestly thank god for Kylie Jenner beating the odds of teen pregnancy by one month dethroning the #FirstWeekofFall trend on Twitter because I’m so goddamn sick of seeing my Instagram feed filled with basic bitches parading around in circle scarves in 80-degree weather. It’s time we wrap that shit up (and I’m not just talking about Travis Scott’s dick) and move on, so we can focus on the more important issues at stake here, like planning our Halloween costumes.
Halloween may be the one night a year we’re not judged for putting our daddy issues cleavage on full display, but it’s now apparently the one night a year where American idiots think they can push the boundaries of our first amendment rights that we can say and wear whatever the fuck we want. Lol siiiike, that’s every day—welcome to our tape. But just because we celebrate Satan’s bday (that’s what this is, yeah?) doesn’t give us free reign to actually be Satan. Like, the time and effort to actively look like a Vegas street hooker without looking like you spent half a paycheck is commendable, but to literally put thought into being a straight-up asshole that will undoubtedly make everyone go full-on-blinking-gif-guy when you walk in, is just like, against the rules of human-ism.
On second thought, your bold move just gave me prime shit-talking material when I strike up a drunk convo with Harambe’s hot zookeeper (also way too fucking soon, bro). So I’ve compiled a list of the worst Halloween costume ideas for you to fully ignore and probably do whatever the fuck you want anyway.
1. Anything Political/Protest-y
No fucking shit. I’m wasting my own time for even including this, but you know some dipshit will show up in a Donald Trump mask he voluntarily spent money on. But speaking of politics, you know what’s even worse than your uncle’s daily political Facebook rants? A walking reminder that we’re literally living in this political genocide. So before I’m forced to see it in the flesh, do me a solid and give me a heads up so I can make a mental note to come down with Zika and/or a family emergency. But if you absolutely have to make a political statement because *freedom of speech that’s biting us all in the ass rn*, I’d suggest less tiki torch, and more pant suit paired with glass ceiling.
2. A North Korea Missile
Don’t ask me how this is doable, but I can name like three friends off the top of my head who’d shamelessly fashion a slutty gray mini dress with sewed-on felt in the shape of a nuclear logo. Ah yes, I can just see the Instagram caption now: “I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion!” Congratulations, you’ve just royally out-fucked yourself. Idk if I’m judging myself more on my questionable choice in friends, or my obsession with one-hit wonder Rachel Platten, but just… don’t do it, promise?
3. A Hurricane And/Or Hurricane Victim
I once had a friend named Katrina who thought it’d be super punny to dress up as Hurricane Katrina one year by wearing nothing but—oh, you guessed it—a goddamn bodycon dress with “Category 5” branded on her while looking like she’d just survived a torrential downpour apocalypse. (K, now seriously questioning my choice in friends). There’s always one at every party who thinks it’s clever to dress like a complete disaster (in every sense of the word)—more specifically, one that literally just left half the south with ruined homes and people’s livelihoods. Wow, kudos on your achievements, Maria. Side note—is it just me, or are like, 99.9% of people with the same names as hurricanes actually batshit crazy human beings? Like, you damn well know that Irma and Harvey are prob tearing shit up at the senior living home every night.
4. Kathy Griffin
There’s nobody that solidifies my theory that gingers have no soul quite like Kathy Griffin. Not only does she go around acting like she’s god’s gift to comedy, but she apparently thought posing with a freakishly real-looking beheaded Trump head would have America in hysterics. Like wtf did you expect? If you’re gonna dress as someone who single-handedly ruined their career by playing the victim, idk, maybe go the safer route and opt for one of 15 T-Swift choices, courtesy of Joseph Kahn. Again, let me reiterate that seeing any sign of Trump at my Halloween party will result in me binge-drinking three times the amount of magic potion punch, and I’m not ready for that sort of commitment/hangover.
5. Kendall Jenner Holding A Pepsi
On second thought, this is fucking hilarious for anyone with a sense of humor, so that officially rules out the entire population because 2017. We’ve already cracked the case on the ploy that Pepsi strategically used to become more talked about than Coke for like, a solid 36 hours, but the bottom line is that I still go out of my way to avoid any fast-food place that doesn’t provide Coke products. The real bottom line here is that there will undoubtedly be three other basics dressed as Kendall Jenner, but if you literally have nothing else do to, all you need is a denim jacket and a can of Pepsi. Bonus points for accessorizing with solid RBF and/or a knocked-up sister, but maybe leave the racial tone-deafness and the “All Lives Matter” attitude at home.
6. Cash Me Outside Girl On Dr. Phil
Out of every monstrosity that graced 2017 with its presence this year, by far the most offensive of the bunch goes out to daughter of Lucifer and prob Dr. Phil’s first tape victim, Danielle Bregoli aka Cash Me Ousside girl aka Bhad Bhabie, and you really can’t make this shit up anymore. America as a collective bunch made some pretty fucked up life choices this year, but we really outdid ourselves by glamorizing a 13-year-old girl brat with poor people skills and even shittier eyebrows. Better yet, we granted this bitch a record deal, so she could rap about getting paper in a car that she can’t even fucking drive because she’s like, 12. But if you’re really looking to avoid social interaction with everyone at the party this year, I guess just wear giant hoop earrings, a spaghetti strap tank with faded jeans and Etnies aka everything you wore on the first day of 7th grade.
Cash me way the fuck outta here.